Monday, June 7, 2010


The Snail. One of the most universally loathed animals alongside the Bot Fly and the Man-O-War (link has an awesome Nudibranch cameo). Merely an armored slug, the snail is a gastropod, a hermaphrodite, a popular appetizer, and a possible inspiration for cupid's arrows.

Snails, being herms, have both male and female genitalia, which means that they can find any other snail, circle it for 6 hours (snail foreplay), battle to stab it with a hormone enriched harpoon out of it's genital pore, then proceed to impregnate the stabbed snail. And in about four weeks, thirty or so snailings are born! Also can anyone make out their reproductive anatomy? Someone please explain to me why it looks like there's kidneys and intestines involved in this ungodly mess.

These living sacks of mucous are considered a manifestation of the capital vice, sloth, though honestly I think Hell would've envisioned something cooler than a living booger, more like a slime-covered emaciated old man retching in agony!

and there you go

Around here we have something called the Roman Snail a member of the Helix genus of land snails, they're everywhere, and get this, if we were in England and you go out at night after a rain and you hear that all-too-common-crunch of shell and viscera, and the bobbies happen to notice, you'll get fined for killing an endangered species there. Why? because they aren't native there, in fact they're little reminders of the Roman invasion of the British Isles. GOD AWFUL CREATURES.

I can't even fathom what possible repercussion would happen if snails were removed from existence. Seriously, what would happen? "oh look all my roses are growing! and look how vibrant my fruit trees are!" You know what? I call for an "Eco-Grade," yes, I said it, every animal on the planet should receive a grade based on how important it is to an ecosystem, scale 1-1000,

"Oh look, the Pad-Thai Duck was decimated in a freak earthquake."
"Well, what's it's grade?"
"Hmm...A 34."
"Well shit, maybe we should just finish em off then."
"Kay, after the ground squirrels."