Friday, April 30, 2010

Super Freak.

"Hey ladies"

Joseph Carey Merrick. The Elephant Man. A pretty wicked-looking dude, Joe started to get his "look" 'round when he was 3 years old in the form of small bumps forming on the left side of his body. Contrary to his name he was not afflicted with elephantitis, a disease carried by mosquitos that causes thickening of the skin around the breasts, legs, and groin, so if it afflicts the skin, then there shouldn't be any change to the bone structure right?


That's an image of Joe's skull, and you can see a lot of bizarre deformations to the right side of it, and as of 2001 the general consensus is that he had suffered from Proteus syndrome, a disorder which causes an overgrowth of bones, skin, muscles etc...gross, and Neurofibromatosis type 1, a mutation that creates noncancerous lumps all over the body.

Now, Joe was a pretty heavy guy, he finished letters with a poem written by Isaac Watts:

"Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God.
Could I create myself anew,
I would not fail in pleasing you.
If I could reach from pole to pole,
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul,
The mind's the standard of the man."

He wanted to go to a hospital for the blind so he could find a woman that wouldn't be disgusted by his looks, he collected wild flowers-and this next thing may make you feel guilty for not enjoying the simple things-he died in his sleep, his neck dislocated under his head's weight cos he tried sleeping like a normal person for once (prior to, he had always sat when he slept so he could rest the weight of his head onto his knees). His life wasn't completely doom and gloom though, he became a very famous sideshow attraction, and during his time working there he was treated much better than when he was homeless.

So, to make your own Elephant Man, mix this with this, and you should end up with this. Congratulations on making your very own elephant man!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

I Think I'm Turning Japanese.

Japan, land of the OLED screen, big-ass robots, and amorous tentacles. It wasn't always this way though, yes, there was a time when nose bondage wasn't okay to have around, in fact Japan used to be a bit of a police state, they tried very hard to remove all western influence and tried to hide the numerous sexual artifacts that had been a major part of their culture so that the West wouldn't view them as perverse (which is ironic cos I asked a friend what their first thought about Japan was and he replied, "used panty machines"). Anyways, around 1868 during the Meiji Restoration, they went absolutely crazy about censorship, they even censored their own censorship! Well, thanks to the numerous wars they took part in, it gave them further incentive to censor what was being released to outsiders and their own public, to the point where their Information and Propaganda Department of Japan converted to the Information Bureau and what that means is that this government agency now had control over any and all information given to the public. In fact; they revised their old laws and got rid of freedom of the press, all newspapers either had to convert to one single government controlled paper or completely go out of publishing.
Now Japan hasn't always been a prude, and during it's time off from getting fucked up by massive radioactive lizards, it's kinda relaxed in recent years. During the Edo Period there were entire districts that were devoted to state-controlled prostitution; like Yoshinwara, which in it's present day form still has sex trade establishments. And they had old pornographic woodblocks called shunga, and this shit had stuff like demon sex, bestiality, and even some dick gods, so, it's basically in their genes to fantasize about some pretty fucked up stuff. (actually it's more likely that, since they were virtually untouched during the rise of Christianity, and later, the rise of Islam, [which it's follower's decided to go out of their way to destroy entire Indian temples decorated with sculptures of coitus] so they were never bothered with the stigma of sexual taboos)

What a bunch of prudes.

So learning this history and shit is great and all, but let's get to the really fun part, It's still illegal to depict genitalia (however they're so lax about it nowadays that it's more of a decision on the artist's part on whether they'll censor it or not) and thus one man decided to exploit a rather odd loophole, you can't show genitals, but you can show penetration by way of phallic object. let's read that again: you can't show genitals, but you can show penetration by way of phallic object. Whatever, anyways, the man is Toshiro Maeda, a manga artist who's work was later turned into numerous animes, and he had the ingenious idea to depict women getting penetrated by tentacles!
Now, ask yourself this: if Judaism had never existed, then would the majority of the world be more similar to Japan? Imagine if you will; ordering a tentacle dildo for a friend's birthday, or paying a dollar to buy a canned vagina from the vending machine. (between the used panties and the encapsulated girl's phone numbers)

And admittedly, it'd be pretty awesome

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Monkey Business.

Pierre Brassau: a champion of modern art. As one critic said:

"Brassau paints with powerful strokes, but also with clear determination. His brush strokes twist with furious fastidiousness. Pierre is an artist who performs with the delicacy of a ballet dancer."

Clearly, this is someone who is pretty spectacular at what they do, also, he's a monkey. Well, an ape, a chimpanzee if you really want to get into it. And get this: his name isn't even Pierre, it's Peter, a 4 year-old chimp who was used by a Swedish journalist named Åke "Dacke" Axelsson, who wanted to see if art critics could tell the difference between avante-garde (French for "bad") modern art and the ape's scrawls.

But art is entirely subjective, so hopefully the guy that spouted that bullshit about Pierre's furious brush strokes didn't feel too embarrassed after the reveal. And if we dig up Warhol we'll find him face down in his coffin, because at a Bonhams auction in 2005, his and Renoir's work did not sell however, Congo the Chimp's work sold for US $26,000.

The Chimpanzee or Pan Troglodytes, is the closest living relative of modern man, known for tearing each other's testicles off, making weapons with sharpened tree limbs, which they use to kill these balls of adorable:

you really can't resist those eyes. (unless you're a chimp)

...fucking up their owner's friends, and general assholism. Hell, remember those news stories when we were kids that an escaped chimpanzee was going down chimneys taking children? (which the bastards are still doing by the way, while INTOXICATED) So I feel it's important that we, as the dominant species, stop this menace before it gets too out of control, they've already learned to make spears, use advanced hunting tactics, and rallying the support of their fellow chimps. If we don't act, It's all over.