Monday, June 7, 2010

Beelzebubba.



The Snail. One of the most universally loathed animals alongside the Bot Fly and the Man-O-War (link has an awesome Nudibranch cameo). Merely an armored slug, the snail is a gastropod, a hermaphrodite, a popular appetizer, and a possible inspiration for cupid's arrows.

Snails, being herms, have both male and female genitalia, which means that they can find any other snail, circle it for 6 hours (snail foreplay), battle to stab it with a hormone enriched harpoon out of it's genital pore, then proceed to impregnate the stabbed snail. And in about four weeks, thirty or so snailings are born! Also can anyone make out their reproductive anatomy? Someone please explain to me why it looks like there's kidneys and intestines involved in this ungodly mess.

These living sacks of mucous are considered a manifestation of the capital vice, sloth, though honestly I think Hell would've envisioned something cooler than a living booger, more like a slime-covered emaciated old man retching in agony!

and there you go


Around here we have something called the Roman Snail a member of the Helix genus of land snails, they're everywhere, and get this, if we were in England and you go out at night after a rain and you hear that all-too-common-crunch of shell and viscera, and the bobbies happen to notice, you'll get fined for killing an endangered species there. Why? because they aren't native there, in fact they're little reminders of the Roman invasion of the British Isles. GOD AWFUL CREATURES.

I can't even fathom what possible repercussion would happen if snails were removed from existence. Seriously, what would happen? "oh look all my roses are growing! and look how vibrant my fruit trees are!" You know what? I call for an "Eco-Grade," yes, I said it, every animal on the planet should receive a grade based on how important it is to an ecosystem, scale 1-1000,

"Oh look, the Pad-Thai Duck was decimated in a freak earthquake."
"Well, what's it's grade?"
"Hmm...A 34."
"Well shit, maybe we should just finish em off then."
"Kay, after the ground squirrels."

Monday, May 17, 2010

Self-Loving.

He played Caine, man. : (

David Carradine. A true BAMF. Died, nay, slaughtered cos he loved making himself feel loved with a belt. Auto-erotic asphyxiation (AEA): the (sort've) silent killer of the young and old (more the former). To those that don't know what AEA is, let me explain it: "Kyle" thinks to himself, "gee, I haven't had a very good day today, time to bust-a-nut, but not just any nut, I need to make this special cos today would've been me and my divorcee's tenth anniversary," so, he decides to choke himself as he masturbates. Because it'd look ridiculous and be uncomfortable to choke himself with one hand and jerk with the other, he decides to wrap a belt around his neck and tie the other end on the clothing post in his closet, and as he get's closer to climaxing, he realizes, "oh fuck, everything's getting sort've hazy, I think I shou-". BOOM! BLACKOUT! he's now unconscious, hanging from a belt in the closet with dick in hand and belt getting tighter as his body slumps, running out of breath till eventually DEATH.

Funnily enough I remember the footballers at school loved choking each other at parties. You be the judge of that.

Unsurprisingly, when loved ones find their husband, child, parent, etc...nude, semen-stained, and surrounded by porn, they decide to dress them up, remove said porn, and make the place somewhat kosher. Thus, suicide by hanging soared during the 90's, but an estimated 500-1000 of those deaths were linked to AEA. So when did this start? Some of the earliest documentation of it's origins are in the 1600's, when it was used as a remedy for erectile dysfunction. Why the fuck would they think that? Most likely because during public hangings, the executed would suffer a death boner (and sometimes death ejaculate) thanks to the noose tightening on the spinal cord, causing a forced reaction in the genitals to erect to the sensation (bleh.) Now here's a gross little folktale, people used to believe that mandrakes (a plant believed to hold many magical properties) would grow from the where the hanged man's ejaculate fell.

Monday, May 10, 2010

If Pokemon Attacks Were More Realistic. P.2



Selfdestruct.

After I had made the original drawings I posted them onto a Pokemon fansite, and here's a helpful review by Cruzader019:

Personally, I think it's pretty humorous that he's so passionate about it, but the mods deleted his post. : (


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

MICTECACIHUATLKHOFHSYSIE.


Mexicans. An interesting group of people, the indigenous Mexica are led by the socialist EZLN (Ejército Zapatista de Liberación Nacional), the majority have a strong fascination with death, are prone to Chupacabra encounters, being the reason marijuana is illegal in the U.S, and when shit gets flung at them, they take it to Hollywood. Being of extreme Mexican descent, but extreme cultural distance, I will not write about lame-ass shit like the 1070 (which I personally feel gives too much power to the police), or how silly the American holiday of Cinco de Mayo is (I remember being constantly asked by my teachers what I planned on doing today back in grade school), but instead about a deity that long dead, possibly non-existant family members of mine once worshipped: Mictecacihuatl ("Lady of the Land of the Dead"), now known as La Santisima Muerte ("The Most Holy Death").
Pictures with her cost twenty pesos.

Now, your initial reaction is that they're worshipping the Grim Reaper. Let me explain: she was originally depicted as a Mexica woman covered in funeral flags and wearing a skull mask with a blade protruding from the nose, she was considered a protector of souls in the underworld and she ruled it with her beau Mictlantecuhitli, a pretty badass looking character whose rituals involved cannibalism, he wore a necklace of human eyeballs, and he was often depicted with a gaping mouth so that he could eat the stars! Mictecacihuatl was the patron of Dia de los Muertos, which was originally held at the end of July and dedicated to dead children, but when the Spaniard priests came into the scene they altered the date to coincide with All Hallows Eve. Now, according to legend, the indigenes have this mad Cthulhu-esque idea that all the old Gods are sleeping and will reawaken when there is enough faith and prayer.

So why does she look like the Grim Reaper as opposed to a theater major performing in "Blood Wedding"? It's a result of the syncretization of Catholic and old-world beliefs, a bit like Santeria being a syncretization of Catholicism and Afro-Cuban Voodoo. Unlike the other "Sleeping Gods" she has been continuously worshipped covertly and gone under the guise of a "saint" (again, another parallel to Santeria's "saints"), so she's the european representaion of the angel who takes his sickle to harvest the ripe fruit of the Earth (Revelations 3:..umm...Revelations) to avoid catholic persecution, which it inevitably got. It is now condemned as a devil-worsipping cult that deals heavily with black magic. Over the past twenty years her followers have gone from the hundreds to an estimated two-million, with the majority being drug traffickers, criminals, rapists, and kidnappers. C'est la vie for a death goddess.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

One With The People.



The Amazon. A land of unparalleled biodiversity, and unparalleled DANGER. Shit will fuck you up here: piranhas, caimans, jaguars, poison dart frogs, rabies, malaria, yellow fever, not to mention the locals. But it's not all bad, rampant nudity, the clever invention of the dick belt:

(Seriously, every tribe has it's own little variation of the dick belt)

production of 20% of the world's oxygen, it holds 80% of the developed world's diet, and the U.S. National Cancer Institute has ID'd three-thousand plants that have anti-cancer agents, and of them, 70% come from the rainforest. Hell, if we were to manage it properly the Amazon would hold more economic value than if it were to be cut down and used for timber, and grazing land for farm animals.
Now enough of this Avatar-Greenpeace shit. Let's talk about the really awesome stuff~the tribes.Contrary to popular belief, cannibalism is actually pretty uncommon, very few tribes take part in it (the Arakmbut of Peru, the subject of Tobias Schneebaum's memoir, "Keep the River on Your Right," and the Yanomamo, who have been known to eat the bodies of recently deceased family members). Now there are about one-hundred tribes that have been contacted by the Brazilian government, and there is an estimated fifty tribes that have yet to contacted by civilization. And anthropologists want them to be left alone.

For obvious reasons.

And though the majority of the tribes may not be cannibals, they are still pretty dangerous; like the Korubos, once known as the "Head-Bashers." There had been thirty-three recorded fatalities before the first peaceful encounter with them in 1996, and then later that year a FUNAI (Fundação Nacional do Índio) checkpoint was made to keep non-indigenous folks from entering, which was later attacked by a band of twenty-three Korubos, who killed seven of it's agents at the post. (and in a funny twist of irony, the FUNAI are now arming the Korubos with shotguns to protect themselves)
Maybe you've heard of the movie End of the Spear, which is about five missionaries who make contact with a tribe called the Huaorani to preach to them, and then are later fucked up royally by them with, well, spears. Now this tribe is the most badass group in the Amazon, top of the food chain, their primary weapon is a double-bladed-barbed spear! Being a pretty wild bunch, they were constantly fighting amongst themselves and around the time of WWII, it is estimated that 60% of all Huaorani deaths were due to infighting, which, according to them, was 'cos ten generations back, clan members had a falling out over whatever it is you have a falling out about in the fucking Amazon.





And here's more Dick Belt.



Monday, May 3, 2010

Friday, April 30, 2010

Super Freak.


"Hey ladies"

Joseph Carey Merrick. The Elephant Man. A pretty wicked-looking dude, Joe started to get his "look" 'round when he was 3 years old in the form of small bumps forming on the left side of his body. Contrary to his name he was not afflicted with elephantitis, a disease carried by mosquitos that causes thickening of the skin around the breasts, legs, and groin, so if it afflicts the skin, then there shouldn't be any change to the bone structure right?

Right.

That's an image of Joe's skull, and you can see a lot of bizarre deformations to the right side of it, and as of 2001 the general consensus is that he had suffered from Proteus syndrome, a disorder which causes an overgrowth of bones, skin, muscles etc...gross, and Neurofibromatosis type 1, a mutation that creates noncancerous lumps all over the body.

Now, Joe was a pretty heavy guy, he finished letters with a poem written by Isaac Watts:

"Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God.
Could I create myself anew,
I would not fail in pleasing you.
If I could reach from pole to pole,
Or grasp the ocean with a span,
I would be measured by the soul,
The mind's the standard of the man."

He wanted to go to a hospital for the blind so he could find a woman that wouldn't be disgusted by his looks, he collected wild flowers-and this next thing may make you feel guilty for not enjoying the simple things-he died in his sleep, his neck dislocated under his head's weight cos he tried sleeping like a normal person for once (prior to, he had always sat when he slept so he could rest the weight of his head onto his knees). His life wasn't completely doom and gloom though, he became a very famous sideshow attraction, and during his time working there he was treated much better than when he was homeless.

So, to make your own Elephant Man, mix this with this, and you should end up with this. Congratulations on making your very own elephant man!